Vocab for New Dads

I've managed to fill my brain with mostly useless crap. I can rattle off the starting 22 on Ohio State's football team. I am super nerdy when it comes to Excel spreadsheets and math. Oh, and for whatever reason, I still know the Contra code for 30 lives. Here are a few things that I still refer to incorrectly (even after 5 and a half months of fatherhood) primarily because they have silly names... but it's mostly useless knowledge until you become a parent... For all you dad's out there, don't let the mother of your child mock you for calling a "boppy" a "bumbo".

 

The Boppy

To the average human being, this looks like an over-sized airplane neck pillow. In fact, it might be an effective neck pillow for someone like Shaq, Dikembe Mutombo, or Yao Ming. But this pillow-masquerading object was designed for entirely different reasons. You'll come to find out that it's an integral tool that assists with breastfeeding, support for family & friends who have forgotten (or don't know how) to hold an infant properly, and once the baby is sitting (or learning to sit) as a force field that protects your little one from jerking backwards or sideways (avoiding face-plants and unnecessary concussions). 

The Bumbo

First of all, the Bumbo belongs on the floor. Your baby can and will find a way to tip it over... and you don't want your baby toppling off say, a couch (see above) or even worse, a table. Don't be that mom or dad. Keep it on the floor. Anyway, this rubbery plasticky device is an amazing product for two reasons: keeps your kid stuck in one place and it helps him/her learn to sit. I would have called it the Sticky Chair - makes way more sense.

The Swing

Because it swings. Somehow when you're operating on several hours of sleep, you'll forget why this is called a swing, but it swings, side to side and front to back. 

The Bouncer Seat aka "Bouncey Seat"

Another straight-forward, well-named baby product. It bounces on its funky, curved, wiry legs. It's a parent-friendly baby-drop spot. These come in various colors, designs and materials with varying accessories to keep your diaper-wielding bundle of joy preoccupied. Music and vibrating settings are hit. As my brother-in-law Drew has said on more than one occasion, it's terribly unfortunate that this doesn't come in adult sizes. #MassageCushion

The Jumperoo aka "Jumper"

But not to be confused with the Bouncey (because she bounces in it) or even with the piece of clothing that's also called a jumper. (The clothing vocab edition  might be available at a later date.) Put your baby in this thing and let the jumping begin. I imagine it's more effective than squats or jump boxes.... You should be able to wear your child out with this device. 

I am hopeful that no one's situation is so dire that they needed me to define things like bib, burp cloth (you need lots of these) and pacifiers (aka paci, binky, wubanub). 

Have a nice day.