Breastfeeding *%$#'s with your mind

If I wanted to continue breastfeeding I HAD to take a break, use the pump and start bottles. My nipples needed time to heal. Mentally I couldn't do it. I cried myself to sleep the night I brought the pump home. I was scared Viv wouldn't go back to the breast if I used a bottle, I was scared my milk supply would be affected, I didn't think I could do it.

The next morning I called my oldest friend who had breastfed and also used bottles and pumped and I asked her to talk me off the ledge. The first thing she said was "Breastfeeding $#@%'s with your mind!" There is absolutely NO way to explain the hormones and feelings that go through your mind postpartum and adding breastfeeding on top of that makes it worse. I was so glad she was able to put into words how I had been feeling for two weeks. I knew that I wasn't the only person who had ever had a baby, struggled with nursing, and had to give their baby a bottle, but I needed to hear it anyways. After I got off the phone, I set up the pump and prepared a bottle for Eric to give Viv. She took it easily and I was on my way to healing.

The Frenulectomy

A frenectomy (also known as a frenulectomy, frenulotomy or frenotomy) is the removal of a frenulum, a small fold of tissue that prevents an organ in the body from moving too far.

This was not as bad as I thought it would be (although I did take my mom to the appointment in case I couldn't handle it).  If there is any doubt your child may be tongue-tied, get it taken care of quickly. A really great doctor at our pediatrician's office performed the procedure. Viv wasn't tongue-tied, her tongue was webbed, but we decided to do it anyway so she could have more movement (AKA, be a better french kisser). Viv was actually more upset that the nurse was holding her head and when it was all over she nursed right away without any pain. I still picked up my prescription nipple cream (there is a lot of nipple talk in this blog) and a double electric hospital grade pump just in case this was too good to be true.  It was. 

Breastfeeding 101

We took a class, read the books and had heard it was easy. HAHA!!! I don't remember the pain starting right away, but before we left the hospital I knew something wasn't right. I asked every nurse that came in the room, how does her latch look? I requested two lactation consultants while in the hospital and both said everything looked fine. Then why did it hurt so bad? Did my daughter just have a barracuda latch that I would have to get used to? Give it two weeks everyone said.

Those were the worst two weeks of my life and they should have been the best. I had a beautiful, healthy, new baby and I loved her to pieces but I hated feeding her. Not only was I dealing with the baby blues, but I cried every time my baby ate because it hurt so bad. I would have never survived the first 6 weeks if it weren't for Eric and my mom.

I waited exactly two weeks, praying everyday that it would get easier. When it didn't, I called the Riverside lactation hotline. I went in the next day and the no nonsense lactation consultant worked with me on Viv's latch. Based on my "lipstick" nipples, that was the problem. When she did it, it didn't hurt. I was able to nurse in her office with little to no pain. I had to go home and practice and use cooling gel pads to heal the sore nipples.

I was back in her office a few days later because the nipples felt worse and I wasn't getting any better at latching my baby. When she looked at my nipples again she pointed out the "open fissures" that I had. Maybe she is tongue-tied says the lactation consultant. She told me to call my OB/GYN for a prescription strength nipple cream and to pump and feed Viv with a bottle until they healed. STOP NURSING? USE A BOTTLE? WHAT?!?!

Prologue from Dad

I'm a Dad. I'll take a minute (mostly for myself) to let that sink in. Everything everyone has ever said about becoming a father/parent is more true than anyone can imagine. It's an incredible, indescribable life changer. It's changed my perspective on my life, my goals, and my views on little things (like driving too fast through neighborhoods) and simply put, it's weird. With what was the equivalent of flicking a light switch, I've gone from being a semi-workaholic "Work from 7:30am until 6pm Daily" to average Joe "Is it 5 yet"... Because even though everyone told me about how you would want to rush home to see your kid, they could never describe the feeling.

I woke up one night, er, morning, at 3:30am to a crying baby. She was already well over the 12 pound threshold that my mother had said would be the special weight at which a baby magically starts to sleep "through the night". It was the 5th (or 6th?) time she had awoken that night crying and at that point it seemed hopeless that I would get any semblance of rest. I rolled out of bed, sifted around for her pacifier, popped it back in her mouth, and returned to bed. I set expectations for another wake up call in 59 minutes. She did not disappoint... but I guess that depends on how you look at it.  In my clouded mental state, stuck somewhere between inception and delirium, it hit me: she wasn't the baby in the book.

For me, my blog posts will be centered around all the things our baby doesn't (or does...) by the book. Hopefully it'll shed some light or offer some sympathy to any other parents who are wondering why their baby isn't the baby in the book either. Happy reading.

That Can't Be My Baby!?

When I first saw Vivienne I thought, that can't be my baby!!! That baby is red and hairy and scowling and can only open one eye. Will she ever be able to open the other one? The nurse assured me that she had opened the other eye and that it worked just fine. Is it really a girl? Everyone had told me I was carrying like a boy. Does she have 10 fingers and toes? Eric had counted, yes there were 10 of each and yes it was a girl. Those were my exact thoughts, in that order.




After all of that, I finally took a breath and really looked at my baby-She was perfect! I loved her! I couldn't wait for every second that would follow.

"By The Book"

My pregnancy was very uneventful. My doctor tells me this is the kind of pregnancy you want to have. Sure I had morning sickness, back aches, and foot pain, but no high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, or multiples. You might say those nine months followed perfectly along with my pregnancy books...yes I was reading more than one. We took weekly chalkboard pictures of my growing bump, I kept a journal and multiple Pinterest boards about babies, nurseries, and pregnancy.

My labor and delivery was very uneventful as well. My water broke, we went to the hospital (2 minute drive), my labor progressed easily, had an epidural and pushed for 17 minutes. Again, things were going "by the book."

Everything was going so smoothly, it was almost as if our baby had been reading a manual inside. In hindsight, something had to give.

Let's Start at the Beginning

We found out we were pregnant exactly one year ago on my birthday! To spare you the details, we had it all planned out and our plan worked perfectly. We had agreed during the difficult "two week wait" period that we would not tell a soul until the first trimester was over. Well that went out the window when the waiter at dinner that night wanted to know why I wasn't having a drink on my birthday and he pried until we told him. But other than that, we had to keep the hardest secret of our lives. During this time, we were able to enjoy our little huge secret and spend a lot of time talking about what was to come.

Eric and I had always wondered what our children would like since he is Asian and I am Caucasian. There was a lot of pressure for this baby to be really cute from friends, family, and co-workers. Not only really cute but smart too, since they would be half Asian. This was too much pressure for an unborn child!!! One Saturday night we were sitting at home (it had gotten too difficult to "fake drink" around our friends, although most were clueless) and decided to "order" the characteristics we wanted in our child. *A friend had done this and swore it worked. We assumed our child would look more like Eric because his dark features would probably be dominant, we could only hope this baby would have blue eyes by some miracle from God. We actually wrote down a list that looked something like this:

eye shape-Eric

eye color- Becca

nose-Becca

mouth- Eric

hair color- Eric

hair texture- Becca

feet- Becca

toes- Eric

Now all we had to do was wait...9 months.